The Boots

They were a gift with rules, an ordinance to conform and convert. But the falling snow summoned me to come play. Restless and burdened with sure death, I pulled on my new boot straps ’til each heel was snuggly in place.

I didn’t have to look up to know you hovered over me, watching my every move. Your admonishments reached me loud and clear as every heavy breath of yours weighted down on my neck, condemning everything about me.

And I sat there shaking with defiance in my gut and fear embedded in my heart, knowing I would pay dearly for any act against the man who was determined to shape me into my better self and his better half.

But I surprised myself and wore those damn boots in the snow that day – and I’ve never looked back.

Those Damn Pills (Rewrite)

Gotta take these meds
Straighten out my head
Looked in the mirror and said
You’re no good to me dead
No, no, no, you’re no good to me dead

Sittin’ in the doctor’s office
I feel I’ve lost control
How long have you been like this?
Hell, doc, I just don’t know

I take the script he gives me
Leave feeling lost and broke
Gotta run to the store to get
Some whiskey, eggs and Lexapro 

  (chorus)
  I swallow my comfort, drown in my fears
  Erase tomorrow and all those bitter years
  I swallow my comfort, forget all my fears
  Bathe in my sorrow, sleep in my tears

I don’t quite understand
This broken home
God knows I loved that man
But now I’m on my own

His lies and cheating ways
kept me up all night
So I take another damn pill
To make it all seem right

  (chorus)
  I swallow my comfort, drown in my fears
  Erase tomorrow and all those bitter years
  I swallow my comfort, forget all my fears
  Bathe in my sorrow, sleep in my tears

The kids need new shoes
And a momma with no blues
Gotta take these damn meds
To keep me straight in the head

Sentenced to die young
In this life I live
Guilty, cause I gave a damn
And he just never did.  

Gotta take these meds
Straighten out my head
Looked in the mirror and said
You’re no good to me dead
No, no, no, you’re no good to me dead

  (chorus)
  I swallow my comfort, drown in my fears
  Erase tomorrow and all those bitter years
  I swallow my comfort, forget all my fears
  Bathe in my sorrow, sleep in my tears

The Price Paid

For just a moment, sit with me,

look at me, listen to what I say,
don’t let a photo capture
your body language screaming,
“I gotta get away.”

I’ve gone over and over,
again and again,
can’t figure out what it is
you’re running from
or when it began.

I don’t understand your choices,
can’t see how you could
choose anything but us.

I’ve been to crazy places in my mind
wondering night after night,
time after time, how anyone
could be everything you
failed to find in me.

I think I must stand for every price paid in your life.
What was a beginning for me,
was your last breath to survive.
I was good to you; a good friend, mother and wife.
But God help me. God forgive me. God spare my children this…

I just can’t be the death of everything you’ve missed.

Handle with Care

This was my life, so please handle with care. Each one in it, I once held dear. But you wanted it and took without regard. And although they went willingly, the losses for me have been hard. So cherish each second you live in my life. No, it wasn’t perfect, but it was once mine. As I look around me at the destruction and the ruins, I can’t help but think this has all been a game for you. I cannot even enjoy my memories without the aftertaste of betrayals and untruths. Many can shrug their shoulders, desensitized by today’s infidelities (or perhaps just glad it isn’t happening to them). Nonetheless, I suffer quietly. Few around me know or even care that although I go about my life – trying to forget, trying to repair – I cry without tears over the life you took from me. No, it wasn’t much, but it was once mine. So go ahead and claim it and handle with care.

Those Damn Pills (Original)

Gotta take these meds
to keep me straight in the head
like the judge and jury said
you’re no good to me dead.

So I swallow my comfort,
sleep in my tears
bathe in my hurt
and forget my fears.

The kids need new shoes
and a mom with no blues
the dog needs a new dish,
these damn pills make me sick.

Don’t quite understand
how transgressors get off,
yet I feel I just got handed
a life sentence from this cop.

I plead my case,
the gavel comes down,
what an awful waste,
“Guilty, cause you gave a damn.”

Sentenced to die
here in this life I live
don’t ever ask why
he never did.

Sittin’ in this room
I shrug when the doc asks
“How long you been this blue?”
I think “awhile” as I remember back.

I take the script,
walk out feeling whipped
make a mental note
remember toothpaste, gin and soap.

I wake up suddenly,
can’t get back to sleep
take a Benadryl
to help with the
side effects of this
damn pill.

Finally I doze,
my body content
doused with emotion killers
and slaughtered lament.

I catch a clip,
from a dream that won’t quit,
that little girl smiling
in a polka dot dress
that looks like the pills
she’s been swallowing.

These Days

I linger mostly somewhere
between what I want,
what I don’t want,
and not knowing what I want.

Confused by my tears,
I’m left exhausted
and internally withdrawn
from the pain I cannot
seem to grab hold of,
challenge and conquer.

I swallow the rising
storm, hoping
no one sees the panic
in my eyes, crying
“I am lost on this
path to nowhere,
somewhere,
anywhere.”

Incensed by my inability
to touch my reality,
make sense of it
and feel congruent,
I close my doors,
my blinds, my eyes,
only to take a peek,
when I feel it’s safe.

I shake myself as
I feel my limbs
going to sleep,
hating that tingling,
(perhaps numb is better),
knowing, however,
I cannot stand the
immobility of rest.

So these days
I giggle because the
insanity tickles;
I cry because the
losses hurt; and
I fight because the
living feels like dying.