Author: Susan McElhaney

Truth is I wouldn’t be waiting on you
if I had something better to do.
This town is bringing me down,
and too many losers keep coming around.

So I wait around on you,
’cause I got nothing better to do.

Truth is you’re only in my mind.
The man you are isn’t the man my heart defines.
They say you love who you know they can be
but fail to see what the rest of the world sees.

So here I am drinking sweet wine,
trying to figure out if you’re worth my time.
I fill another glass, say a toast to you,
’cause I got nothing better to do.

She remembers your name,
that day in the rain,
holding hands
becoming friends.

She welcomes your touch,
misses you so much,
knows she’s lost,
to all she’s forgot.

On a good day,
she remembers.
On a bad day,
you do.

I had one of those aha moments between my tears and fits of rage. When it all adds up to them not respecting you much or simply being bored with the story on the page, let them go.

But you love them, you say? Sure you do. It would be ridiculous to try to say you didn’t. But I say again, let them go. Truly it’s your only option. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. But one of three things is going to happen.

1. They will, in fact, find that perfect match – no hiccups, no baggage, no problems- just right! And they will realize – and you will also finally know – that you truly were the entire source of all their misery.

2. They will discover being alone and on their own is the best way to go – no one to answer to; no one counting on them, and no one to count on – footloose and fancy-free with some no-strings-attached sex on the side until they die. Total bliss – just as they thought. And you will know that you were truly holding them back from their happiness.

3. This one is a long shot – but they realize maybe you weren’t so bad. Maybe you were worth it after all. When they get out there among the man-haters, the women set in their ways and not willing to put up with an ounce of their bullshit, the bitter ones, the needy ones, the disloyal ones, the ones with little ones needing a father figure or the ones with grandkids who start calling them poppy or something. – just maybe they will look back to that page and think – I had it pretty good. And then you will know you and your love and years of commitment really were worth something.

My aha moment? Just let them go.

I’ve started my own mostly liquid diet: Protein shake, tea a few smarties, beer and pills to make me loopy. I’m gonna get skinny and addicted, so I can be selfish and not care who I hurt – and look good while I’m doing it.

I’d be better off a stranger than the person who sleeps in your bed and better off – off’d than someone who loved you like I did. You say it’s just how you are, and I guess I don’t understand. You knew how to show me love just long enough to get me where I am. And now it’s funny how you say you can’t be what I need, while I watch you be just that for anyone else but me. It leaves me numb, except for all the hurt – to finally come to terms with my true worth. So I’ve given all these years, and it’s come down to this – I was a convenience at the time and now – just an inconvenient circumstance.

Was it just an innocent smile that replaced years of laughter or an accidental touch that diminished our intimacy to this now forced response? Was it the freedom or just the way she “gets” you that reduced me to a passerby in our hallways?

Was it the thrill, the secrecy, the mystery?

Exactly what did it take to delete all the years I gave you – the love, the loyalty, my soul? Just what did it take to destroy us?