Unable to sleep, I’m thinking and reflecting on my week. It was only last weekend that you left, and I am stuck in this place of reality and telling myself you are just gone somewhere for a bit.
I’ve picked up my phone a few times to give you a call. Putting it back down was an indescribable pain.
Then last night, as I was thanking someone for asking me how I was, I was talking normally – composed – and the next thing I knew tears were just falling at will.
To be expected, sure. Embarrassing, yes.
Last night I told Evan that I couldn’t imagine spending 56 years with someone – highs and lows, the good, the bad, the ugly, never leaving their side during illness to only have to let them go and stand alone.
There were times I would get so frustrated that mom wouldn’t let Wayne and me help her more. But as I’ve watched her grieve and listened to her intimate moments of saying, “goodbye,” I’ve gained a truer understanding of marriage, love and commitment.
My mom made my dad a promise that he would never have to wonder who would be taking care of him.
To the very end, she kept her promise! I will forever respect and appreciate the love and care she showed my dad. My losses, my awakenings, my confusion and clarity are all heightened.
All to say, week one of life without you is in the books, and last time I checked, my grief is still with me.