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Keep Showing Up!

I’ve been out of sync the last couple of times at the gym. Today I was filled with self doubt.

I looked in the mirror and saw everything wrong with me from the back boobs to my dry legs.

I think I even said to myself, “You are 50! What the hell are you doing!?!”

Nonetheless, I add 125 to the bar and decided to go for a personal best today.

You guys, not every day is going to be your friend. And not every thought is going to be pleasant. But you have to just keep showing up!

#strongnotskinny

Personal best photo
Personal best – 165 lbs.
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Victimville

Without going into much history, I’ll say that there was a dark period in my life, much like you’ve probably been through as well.

Mine was a nasty divorce. Friends chose sides, and the losses were tough. I became angry and bitter. I felt hopeless. And I was seriously depressed.

One day during my storm, I started going to the gym. And over time I noticed my depression lessened. My confidence resurfaced. And a new me evolved.

While learning to do squats with weights I never thought I could lift, I was also learning to push through my heals and dig down deep into my gut to overcome my anger, bitterness and hurts. It’s become the one thing I could always control when the world around me was spiraling out of control: My potential.

I control whether or not I can get through one more rep or not. And the feeling when I do it is nothing less than miraculous.

So eventually I got off the express lane headed to Victimville and changed my course.

The past couple of weeks I’ve had a chance to reflect on where I was and where I am now.

And where I am now is happy and at peace! But my friends, I do have to work for it – mentally and physically – every single day.

Sure I go through times where I convince myself not to go to the gym that day. And you bet, sometimes that one day turns into five or ten.

My friends, I pay for it! My thinking isn’t as sharp. My spirits are a little more downtrodden. And I feel like I am losing rather than gaining.

You see, doing something, (anything) even if it’s just 20-30 minutes is better than doing nothing.

When I commit to my workouts, I know I am moving forward instead of taking steps backwards.

So the principles of lifting have helped me lift weights off my shoulders that are not seen with the eye.

I push though my heels.

I dig down deep into my gut.

And I move forward not backwards.

It’s helped me to forgive, move past, let go and understand others and their struggles a little better. What’s more, it’s helped me smile and shine (again).

Little did I know that fitness saves the soul! And it’s saved mine.

I hope you can also get off the express lane to dismal distress to let it save you.

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Like Emily

Dead when I’m discovered,
too late to know me then,
if not for these thoughts
that kept falling from my head
and landing on a pen.

Mistaken mostly in my time,
misunderstood when given no rhyme,
haunted by the what ifs and whys
of something buzzing as I die.

Eccentric at best,
old maid at worst,
rolling over in my grave
when they find my curse
and dissect my verse.

Funny, the only world I ever understood
was the one I created in my head.

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These Days

I linger mostly somewhere
between what I want,
what I don’t want,
and not knowing what I want.

Confused by my tears,
I’m left exhausted
and internally withdrawn
from the pain I cannot
seem to grab hold of,
challenge and conquer.

I swallow the rising
storm, hoping
no one sees the panic
in my eyes, crying
“I am lost on this
path to nowhere,
somewhere,
anywhere.”

Incensed by my inability
to touch my reality,
make sense of it
and feel congruent,
I close my doors,
my blinds, my eyes,
only to take a peek,
when I feel it’s safe.

I shake myself as
I feel my limbs
going to sleep,
hating that tingling,
(perhaps numb is better),
knowing, however,
I cannot stand the
immobility of rest.

So these days
I giggle because the
insanity tickles;
I cry because the
losses hurt; and
I fight because the
living feels like dying.

When Time Runs Out

Priorities get slanted as I sit on the sidelines while you search for something more.

(Somehow I’ve lost myself).

And I watch you grow more restless as you look everywhere but here.

(I never thought this would be us).

Memories get lost at the sight of something new, and when time runs out, there’s just nothing more I can do.

(I know it’s over).

Fingerprints

Like fingerprints on

windows forgotten or

left to remember, your

existence lingers,

clinging to me as

if still a newborn

warm upon my chest.

I dare not wipe away

these sacred stains

within my lifeline,

your presence, your

mark on this world,

your fingerprints

clutching my soul.

Lovely reminders etched

in glass to forever mark

those who came and

those who passed.

Happy 18th, baby girl!

Love, Mom

Nothing Better to Do

Truth is I wouldn’t be waiting on you
if I had something better to do.
This town is bringing me down,
and too many losers keep coming around.

So I wait around on you,
’cause I got nothing better to do.

Truth is you’re only in my mind.
The man you are isn’t the man my heart defines.
They say you love who you know they can be
but fail to see what the rest of the world sees.

So here I am drinking sweet wine,
trying to figure out if you’re worth my time.
I fill another glass, say a toast to you,
’cause I got nothing better to do.

Aha!

I had one of those aha moments between my tears and fits of rage. When it all adds up to them not respecting you much or simply being bored with the story on the page, let them go.

But you love them, you say? Sure you do. It would be ridiculous to try to say you didn’t. But I say again, let them go. Truly it’s your only option. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. But one of three things is going to happen.

1. They will, in fact, find that perfect match – no hiccups, no baggage, no problems- just right! And they will realize – and you will also finally know – that you truly were the entire source of all their misery.

2. They will discover being alone and on their own is the best way to go – no one to answer to; no one counting on them, and no one to count on – footloose and fancy-free with some no-strings-attached sex on the side until they die. Total bliss – just as they thought. And you will know that you were truly holding them back from their happiness.

3. This one is a long shot – but they realize maybe you weren’t so bad. Maybe you were worth it after all. When they get out there among the man-haters, the women set in their ways and not willing to put up with an ounce of their bullshit, the bitter ones, the needy ones, the disloyal ones, the ones with little ones needing a father figure or the ones with grandkids who start calling them poppy or something. – just maybe they will look back to that page and think – I had it pretty good. And then you will know you and your love and years of commitment really were worth something.

My aha moment? Just let them go.